Do I drink a lot? With shaky hands like these I spill most of it!

Me and doctors? Well ….. it’s a lot like last year’s tomato plants and The Horse Head Nebulae, different parts of space and time you see?  Differing needs, communication principles and a staggeringly opposed view of what each other actually is. 

Having said that, there is always the exception, and I’d just like to say three hurrahs to Moira Hill (doctor in Coventry) who actually understands mental health issues and finds the time to talk to you about them and most importantly she also finds the time to listen to you when you answer. 

However her skills and attitude, unfortunately are not contagious, for instead of turning left into her consulting room, if you were to draw a much shorter straw and end up turning right somewhere down that corridor you may well experience one of her colleagues. 

I did once, youngish chap, avoids eye contact, answers the question “and how are you doctor?” with “what can I do for you?”  I told him that I had (foolishly as it turned out) decided to stop taking my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics with immediate effect and toot-sweet ….

If that was ok with him? 

Again with no eye contact or even reference to my case notes he shrugged his shoulders and muttered something that sounded like

“ Hmm …You’re …. Adult …. Make decisions …… save costs …. Better not to take if ……anything else you want? ” 

With great glee at having his blessings I departed. It didn’t occur to me that I might have enjoyed a better balance of advice on reflection; mainly as he wouldn’t have even known if I’d been stark naked and sporting two heads.

I’d heard what I wanted so I was off.   It was six weeks later that Dr Hill called in the Crisis Home Resolution Team who gently eased me down off the ceiling and back onto medication. 

However it works both ways, I have also been guilty of talking the biggest bucket of bollocks to doctors in the past.

The incident I remember most must have been over twenty years ago.I was a publican in London.  Now I accept that a lot of people who run pubs do so because they enjoy alcohol to the degree that being surrounded by it is comforting, but that was not me, I did it because I was a business man, and believed that selling booze was easy, long hours but easy.

I had been to the doc’s a few times with aches, pains and the usual winter wheezes, any of which may cause a doctor to investigate how much giggle juice I was consuming, but on this occasion I had a large painful lump on my ear lobe.  The conversation went something like this: -

*“Hello doc I’ve got this large painful lump on my ear lobe”

-“Yes that does look painful, let’s just look at your records and …. AH! I see you’re a publican, what are your drinking habits like?” 

*“What? It’s me ear lobe, bloody painful it is.”

-“So are you aware that your drinking habits are unhealthy perhaps?” 

*“Unhealthy? I just pour it into a glass or a cup, put it to my mouth and tilt, doesn’t everyone? Now about my ear ……”

-“Do you think you have a drink problem?” 

*“A drink problem? How could I have a drink  problem? I live above a pub.  Every morning I come down and there’s gallons of the stuff”

-“Hmm, I see do you feel like a drink now? 

*“Well that’s very kind of you doc but it’s far too early for me, however if you feel the need go ahead don’t be shy on my behalf.”

-“How long have you noticed your drinking?” 

*“I guess since I was six foot, what the hell has this got to do with my ear lobe?”

-“Denial is the biggest problem, you can’t do anything about it until you admit you have a problem.” 

*“It’s you that has a problem mate, my ear is painful but at least I can still use it to listen, you seem to have not only lost that ability but are convinced I’ve got cirrhosis of the ear lobe.”  

At this point I left, went home and stabbed my swollen ear until the gooey nasty came out, it hurt like hell but didn’t infuriate me as much as diagnosis by curriculum vitae did. 

Doctor Moira Hill ………. YOU ROCK!