As I’ve gotten older things aren’t so hard……

Every now and then the news bubbles with stories of women impregnating themselves with their late husband’s sperm.  Usually the indignation is launched by those who should either keep their noses out (did I mean that?) or accept that their morals and beliefs have no place in the lives of others.

I always (being a simple minded man) drew the conclusion that the man in question had cracked one off the wrist before having a vasectomy, then presented his wife with a receipt from a cryogenic clinic wrapped around a turkey baster.

“Happy Christmas darling, just in case we change our minds or I tap dance my way under a number 14 bus …….. enjoy!”

Then eavesdropping a conversation whilst waiting for a meeting to start at work I was astonished to learn that on occassion women have done the wild thing with their husband’s do’ings after he’s shuffled off his mortal coil and consequently was in no position to shuffle anything else!

This set me thinking ……. the morals of turning a corpse into a father don’t even register on my radar, what intrigued me was the similarity between this and the comment that has wrung in my ears for most of my life.

I refer to the one about it being like raising the dead.  After a severe bout of Googling I discovered the existance of a machine called an “Electro-ejaculator” It took a while because although Google is superb I was having trificulty in wording the search.

How do they get a dead man to spray his socks …errrr.. what do you do to get a stiff, stiff and come after he’s gone …errr … if a woman who’s now a widow wants to do to her late husband what she refused to do when he wasn’t ….

Once I narrowed down the search the answer came immediately, which is a coincidence.

The electro gubbins concerned looks like this: -

I’ve posted the photo in case you have one tucked away behind the clock on the mantlepiece and have always wondered what the hell it was…….

Now apparently the procedure still works hours after death has been bestowed upon him, possibly days! The electric probe is inserted into the rectum next to the prostate. A current consisting of oodles of volts is then shot up his jacksy.  This results in immediate erection and Bingo the massed crowds all run round with jam jars. The coffin it seems has to be extended to accommodate the deceased’s smile

Fantastic! ……… but here’s the sting in the tail.

I’ve searched e-Bay, Government surplus auctions, you name it ……do you think I can find one?

It’s just as well really, I’d never get to work, and consequently wouldn’t be able to pay the electricity bill.