Die! But follow the procedure

Yesterday I worked out of a hot desk in Adult Learning, very kind of them to accommodate me
As I was leaving I noticed that the door opposite mine had decorative flames dancing around the inside of the window. Made me wonder what they taught in there. So I went and had a shufty through the hot glass and saw that it was actually an office merrily blazing away. So when I went to reception to sign out I mentioned it to them. The receptionist went and had a butcher’s through the window and commented that it was on fire. She came back and dialled a number, I then heard a phone ringing up the hall, when it stopped the receptionist said “Hi Mary, it’s Jeanette on reception, seems your office is on fire ok?”

Well it got really silly then.

The Centre manager came out of the room and hurtled down the hall at a great lick still holding the phone to her ear which was now trailing a broken wire. She’d obviously had more training than either the receptionist or me, because instead of merely looking through the window as we had done, she opened the door. Well, that livened things up a lot, I can tell you. I can only surmise that the fire could now see the sign that says FIRE EXIT and was trying to reach it. Coughing back the tears she turned to us helpful observers and suggested to our fleeing backs that we evacuate.

It was at this point the receptionist blocked our way and sensibly pointed out that we couldn’t leave the building as we hadn’t signed out. Why didn’t we think of that? It’s amazing what you don’t think off when your attention is captivated by pretty yellow flames and black acrid smoke.

Somebody mentioned the fire alarm, and suddenly all of the staff started chanting as one “Fire Alarm, Fire Alarm …. Where’s the b****y Fire Alarm”

As I was standing in front of it, I obligingly pressed it.

I’m not sure what I thought that would do, as everybody already appeared to be quite alarmed anyhow, but I wasn’t expecting a bell. Sprinkler systems would have been handy, automatic call through to the chaps with the big red lorry and yellow helmets might have proven useful, even just all the exit doors flying open whilst the internal doors released and closed ….. but ….. ring a ding ding ???? Anyway it seemed to cheer The Centre Staff up no end as we were now following procedures.

To overcome the problem of roasting our ribs whilst we queued up to sign out, some radically minded individual thought that, perhaps taking the book outside with us would suffice. The Centre Manager became positively joyful at that prospect as she remembered somewhere at the back of her mind that there was another procedure that mentioned doing that.

We were on form now!

With us all (and the book) on the pathway outside the ringing bell was much more tolerable, also it was cooler.

Who has called the Fire Brigade? Asked Mary.

Everyone looked at their feet and shuffled awkwardly. “What does the procedure say about that?” I enquired with a broad grin on my face. The receptionist saved the day by pointing out that the Centre Manager is supposed to do it or at least delegate it.

Mary shifted up into delegating mode and ordered someone called someone to phone the Fire Brigade. It seems everyone didn’t recognise the name somebody as nobody moved, then a totally different somebody obviously not related, pointed out that the procedure said you shouldn’t stop for your belongings ……….. consequently everybody and nobody had a phone on them.

Mary realising she might have dropped the ball on this one started to renter the building to retrieve her phone from the inferno. However she immediately entered the Twilight Zone as she realised she was jammed between two contradicting procedures.

The Fire Brigade had to be phoned

You can’t renter a burning building

………….. what to do? Which procedure to break?

I observed the consternation and could hear the non compliance sheets tumbling in my head until I could bear it no longer.

“I have two phones, would you like me to use one and call them?” I had my helpful hat on, lucky for them. They almost fell at my feet; this was going to save a lot of form filling.

Having done so I headed for my car, as I didn’t want it blocked in by the Fire Chappies.

“Where are you going?” I was hailed.

“Home, I’m having pie and chips for dinner” I responded.

“You can’t leave” I was informed “We have to congregate over there by that lamppost while we check the register”

“Congregate away you fine chaps, if you check the signing in book you’ll see it’s also a signing out book, and I signed out before the alarm sounded.

As I turned to bid them fare well in their lamppost huddle I could see through the window that although the ceiling inside was cloaked in smoke, the fire itself seemed to have had enough and gone home.

Still I could hear the sirens in the distance, so I made sure I went in the opposite direction.

Can’t wait for my next visit on Tuesday to find out what they have in store for me then.

Advertisement